My oncologist, Dr. Hani Babiker slid his chair close to my knees and took my hands in his. I had just told him I had decided to stop all treatment. No more chemo…no more clinical trials. My body just couldn’t physically take any more .
A decision to stop had not been an easy one , but I felt as if I had given chemo and immunotherapy my best shot. Tired of the nausea and weakness, I wanted to stop.
“You know this means no more MRI’s or scans right?” He said, with tears in his eyes.
“Yes” I replied.
The discovery of a new tumor growing in the reconstructed head of my pancreas , the very spot where the first tumor had been removed led to another fight to stop or slow down it’s growth with chemotherapy. When that left me weak and nauseated we opted for a clinical trial drug that would hopefully have limited side effects. But, that led to another bought of illness that resulted in a four day hospital stay and further fever and infection sending me home with antibiotic infusions and home health care for additional weeks. My body just couldn’t take any more. I was tired and weak. I prayed about what to do next and the answer was to stop all treatment.
Dr. Babiker assured me I could start back whenever I wanted . He said, “So I’m sure you have questions for me.” I responded ,”No I do not.”
I stopped him short as he told me he was “not God..but typically…”I answered… “God is in control and He might keep me here for maybe another couple of years. I want to live whatever time I have left enjoying my family, our farm and our friends in the best possible way.”
Hospice has been set up by my Pallative care doctor in both places. But, I feel like this is just a precaution so that in the case I decline quickly, we have prepared as best we can. It doesn’t necessarily mean a matter of days, weeks or even months.
Plans had been made for a family Fourth of July trip to the farm for 31 family members including 16 children. It was a wonderful week of campfires, hiking, tubing, fishing in the creek, sparklers and caring for our animals. Everyone pitched in for daily chores and meals. It was perfect.
Tom and I stayed on for the reminder of July and enjoyed the relaxing days together and highlighted by several visits from friends.
God was preparing us for another bump in the road as Tom discovered he needed back surgery to help his rapidly developing Ridiculo-neuropathy.
Finally I would be able to repay Tom’s love by caring for him as he faced and further on, recovered from a serious surgery. And I have the strength to do it!
We are amazed daily at how He works in our lives when we give Him the lead and trust He always has the best solution. We pray you will find the trust in Him to solve your anxieties and face life’s trials. You needn’t live your life on your own. Seek His love and assistance today. You will be surprised at the peace you will experience.